Schedule conversations: “Timing is everything,” Wegener says. “If you’re having a disagreement or you need to work through an issue, find a time when you are in a calm mind-space, and free of distraction — so you can sit down, focus on each other and have an authentic conversation.”Use ‘I’ statements: “Lead with, ‘I’m feeling this way,’" suggests Wegener, who says leading with ‘you’ statements has the effect of blaming the other person for issues related to the MS disease process or the treatment they are receiving. “For example, if someone is taking certain medications that may have a downside of increasing one’s irritability and anxiety, their behavior might seem unusual and even frustrating. It is important to communicate about what is happening, but also realize that the person’s behavior might be a consequence of the disease process and medication side effects, and not about you or something that you are doing.”Be patient: “Depending where they are in the lifespan of their disease — it could be that they’ve just been diagnosed, for example — someone with MS may not be ready yet to have these conversations or may not be quite sure how to convey what they’re thinking and feeling. And that’s OK,” Smith says. “In that instance, I recommend affirming that you hear them. Say, ‘I know you’re not ready for this talk right now, but I’m here when you are.’ Just knowing that a loved one is there to talk when they’re ready can open the door to more productive conversations.”That last point hits home with Rodriguez. “Sometimes, the person with MS has to process things themselves before they can tell you how they feel, and you can’t rush that,” he says. “For example, I’ve been trying to get my mom to see a therapist, and that’s been a battle for quite some time. When you love someone, you want them to get better as fast as possible, so you push different remedies and solutions. But you can’t force it. They have to be ready for it. In the meantime, all you can do is ask, ‘What can I do?’ It might be something as simple as providing a listening ear, going for a walk or getting ice cream.”Often, a good outcome of successful communication is compromise. Until recently, for example, Steinbach and his wife lived in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. Because the heat exacerbates his wife’s MS, however, they decided to relocate to Steinbach’s native Germany. “I like to live next to the beach, but it’s too hard for my wife,” explains Steinbach, who says the couple also negotiates things like vacations. “I love traveling, but it’s not always easy on my wife. Last year, for example, we took a trip to Istanbul — but we went only for a day. That was our compromise.”
